My nature is not to post my life for all to see. Especially when things are difficult, I take the role of keeping my dignity enough to deal with it within my close family. However, our lives as Christians are to portray that of Christ.
As I read the Scriptures, I am learning that to Christ, His life was meant to change, transform and guide others to Him. Therefore, whether it was to document His temptations, His private prayer sessions or His emotions, He chose to lay it all out for others to see.
In any learning experience, there comes a stubbornness of keeping things comfortable. However, comfort is something that Christians should shy away from. And because of this, I am throwing comfort out the window.
Here we are again. Hospital visits, doctor discussions, blood draws, car rides and waiting rooms.
When God calls us to a “higher calling” sometimes that higher calling calls us to climb up higher mountains.
Growing up, I witnessed and prayed with many who suffered a great deal of pain and heartache but that was just it, I witnessed and prayed. I heard people say that “Your testimony is the most powerful witness you have”.
In the back of my mind, I began to wonder when the “test” of my testimony was going to happen.
As Christians, our testimony is what reaches those who are longing for something “real”, past the veil of religious Christianity and toward a real life encounter with Jesus.
2 Timothy 1:8-10
“So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord or of me his prisoner. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. 9 He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, 10 but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel.”
Even though my “test” isn’t over, I know that it is turning into my testimony.
Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day.
Two days that seem so love filled but those were the days in 2017 that were filled with pain for me and those close to me. Those are the two days that a child was in the early stages of becoming “my” child. Instead, those were days when those children were “fearfully and wonderfully made” in my womb and heart but that is where they stayed.
To the world, these experiences are devastating, hopeless and life-changing but to a Christian, this is just the “test” in the testimony.
To some, what I’m about to say my seem heartless, surprising and unbelievable but to some, it will make perfect sense….
I count my miscarriages a blessing.
When Christ is the One you’re living for, this life’s sufferings produce a perseverance that comes in the midst of running the race toward our life’s finish line. Running a race can bring exhaustion and feelings of “I can’t” but its in those moments in our journey to Jesus that we get a second, third and maybe even a fourth wind. For we know that Jesus is who we’re running for, not a medal, a pat on the back or a pick-me-up.
I know that my test isn’t over, my pain isn’t over and my emotional moments aren’t over but I do know that my faith in Jesus is only beginning. Knowing that He chose this test for me because He knew that with Him, I could rise above it all.
You see, Christ knows just what is going to prompt a deeper connection to Him and He chooses specific tests based on current circumstances. For you, it may be cancer, a son or daughter addicted, a life threatening disease or diagnosis, fear, a broken marriage…. you add your’s to the list.
God allows us to walk through things so that we can know His strength through it all, instead of relying on our own strength to get us through it.
Throughout my first miscarriage, I saw that God was there but I also thought it was just a fluke, a one-time thing and that after that, having a baby would be a piece of cake.
However, as I am walking through the second one, I see that God wanted me to seek and find out more about Him than simply believing that “15-20% of all first pregnancies end in a miscarriage”.
I am learning that through these tests, He is still faithful. Even if situations don’t turn out the way I want them to, my family wants them to or the world says they’re going to…
I know that my current situation does not surprise my All-Knowing Father. He saw this coming the moment I was formed in my mother’s womb. My life was a Best-selling book written by Him and awaiting the first page to be read and for this chapter to come to pass.
What strength we can find in knowing that our present sufferings were written way before our first breath. God sees, knows and walks right beside us because nothing surprises Him.
I know that someday, my “test” will be purposeful for someone’s life even if I can’t see the purpose right now. Someday, there will be a moment when someone asks, a couple’s heart breaks, a mother’s pain wrenched heart longs and my testimony will give birth to a heart transforming moment.
For now, I will choose to be unashamed of my suffering and know that it is producing a faith that cannot be measured by a world of why’s and why not’s.
Psalm 116: 1-9
“I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
he heard my cry for mercy.
Because he turned his ear to me,
I will call on him as long as I live.
The cords of death entangled me,
the anguish of the grave came over me;
I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Lord, save me!”
The Lord is gracious and righteous;
our God is full of compassion.
The Lord protects the unwary;
when I was brought low, he saved me.
Return to your rest, my soul,
for the Lord has been good to you.
For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling,
that I may walk before the Lord
in the land of the living.”
Rest in knowing that the God of the Universe already wrote in the sufferings that you will face and have faced into your story before your story even began.
Who better to walk and talk with than the Author of your story.